Tales of the Javahunden

This blog is the story of my life and the life of my dog, Coffee. We don't have a lot of adventures, but I like to think I can make my ordinary life interesting through the magic of creative hyperbole.

Monday, January 31, 2005

A Word About Deprivation

I want you all to know that I am officially on a diet. No excuses. There is a thin, attractive person inside me dying to get out. Apparently, I ate her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I know many of you get angry about my self-directed fat jokes. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. Jokes are just how I deal with it. They keep me from getting too freaked out and wallowing in a fat-induced pit of dispair. If I feel bad, and then I don't joke about it, I feel much worse. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but that's just the way I feel.

So any way, I'm now on the Slim-Fast plan. A good friend of mine lost quite a bit of weight with it. Ultimately, I guess it's just a way of counting calories, and any other way would do the same thing, but it's easy to practice portion control with canned shakes. Plus, I get to have regular chocolate. Huzzah! The S/F web site said I should be eating about 1900 calories a day, but I'm not sure they account for my wickedly slow metabolism. My metabolism is so slow...(How slow is it???)...I'm still digesting my eighth birthday cake! (Insert rimshot here.) This is NOT a fat joke, either. I just don't burn calories very fast. Just the way God made me. You know what I wonder, though? How few calories could I survive on? I bet I could live on very little, like a camel. I'm trying to think of some ancestral reason my people would have needed to conserve, like, if I were Irish, I would blame it on the potato famine. Did the Germans ever experience great privation? I doubt it. As long as there was something to pickle or turn into sausage, they'd be OK.

Well, I've been on my diet for almost a week, and I had my first major failing. My church had a volunteer appreciation dinner at this buffet place tonight. I was pretty good as far as my choices were concerned, but portion control was my downfall. I had rotisserie chicken, and lima beans, and a big honkin' salad with very little dressing, and a vegetable based dessert. OK, so it was carrot cake. That counts! The food sure was good. Plus, I didn't have to pay for it! Everything tastes better on somebody else's dime. In the past, a major blow-out like this would have made me give up. Not this time, though! I'm gonna keep trying. Maybe I'll never be thin in a strict sense of the word, but I could be better than I am now. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Oh, in case you're wondering, the inspiration for this weight-loss attempt is my upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic. I'm sure there will be some point where swimming is available, and I don't look so great in a bathing suit. I wonder how much weight I can lose in six months. Anybody want to start a pool?

If any of you have tried to visit Waterbearergirl's blog, you've noticed that the link doesn't work. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I intend to find out. She may have scrapped it. I hope not, 'cause I enjoyed reading it. You never can tell with those Michiganders, though. Hopefully, she'll let me know. Well, it's been a pleasure writing, but I need to go to bed. I have an eight o'clock class tomorrow. Good night!!!


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